I hate my life...

Today brings to mind a quote from Muppet Treasure Island. Gonzo, Rizzo, and Jim are talking. Jim starts off "I hate my life." Gonzo responds "I hate your life, too." Rizzo finishes "If I had a life, I'd hate it."

Today I agree with Rizzo. Yesterday I agreed with Gonzo. I like retirement, don't misunderstand. But that's my current job. That's not who I am. Retirement is not my life. I babysit and I cook and I clean and I garden and I enjoy those things. Mostly.

But I hate that I feel empty inside. I hate that something deep inside my soul is screaming for release and freedom and I'm afraid to give it voice. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate that I live with people who expect me to listen carefully to every word they say and yet they haven't heard a thing I've said in nearly two years now.

I hate that I can't sit and talk to mom about it anymore.

I've spent my entire life collecting mothers. And now I'm down to one. One with alzheimer's who has no idea who I am anymore. It's bad enough that she won't even leave her house if I am outside in my own yard. I think she's terrified of me. Now how am I supposed to not be offended at that realization? Am I supposed to be enjoying this life that leads me?

Who in the ...

Funny how much we find life picking at our souls some days. Just when I thought things were going better and that I was gonna make it ... Life exploded in my face.

It's almost offensive how something simple can derail us when we think we're finally there. I graduated with a new BS and gathered my contacts together and applied for jobs left and right. And what did I get?

You aren't qualified. We're looking for someone else. You're over-qualified. You're just not what we're after.

What do I hear?

We want someone prettier.

It's almost sad how we get our hopes up because we're finally doing everything right. It's our turn to win and be somebody. It's our turn to not get screwed. Oh. I'm sorry. It wasn't really my turn after all.