Today brings to mind a quote from Muppet Treasure Island. Gonzo, Rizzo, and Jim are talking. Jim starts off "I hate my life." Gonzo responds "I hate your life, too." Rizzo finishes "If I had a life, I'd hate it."
Today I agree with Rizzo. Yesterday I agreed with Gonzo. I like retirement, don't misunderstand. But that's my current job. That's not who I am. Retirement is not my life. I babysit and I cook and I clean and I garden and I enjoy those things. Mostly.
But I hate that I feel empty inside. I hate that something deep inside my soul is screaming for release and freedom and I'm afraid to give it voice. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate that I live with people who expect me to listen carefully to every word they say and yet they haven't heard a thing I've said in nearly two years now.
I hate that I can't sit and talk to mom about it anymore.
I've spent my entire life collecting mothers. And now I'm down to one. One with alzheimer's who has no idea who I am anymore. It's bad enough that she won't even leave her house if I am outside in my own yard. I think she's terrified of me. Now how am I supposed to not be offended at that realization? Am I supposed to be enjoying this life that leads me?
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